Clinicals this week were amazing. I probably learned more in two days than I did all of last semester. Both of my preceptors are great practitioners who are great teachers. The two clinical sites are really different, which is also great because I get a good look at how much nurse practitioners can do and the range of opportunities that come with my degree. I soaked up both days of clinical, but they were long days which left me a little exhausted. I've been trying to catch up on paperwork/reading for school, but I think it may be naptime. It's officially going to be a very busy (but probably pretty good) semester!

I spent all my babysitting money on a brand new camera. I bought a Nikon D40x and she's a real beauty. Before grad school, I really enjoyed photography. With moving and school and the progression of digital cameras, I kind of let my film Canon Rebel gather dust. Kevin and I have been talking about investing in a nice digital camera so we can take nice pictures of the baby both for ourselves and for family. I've had my eye on the Nikon for a while, so when I saw it on sale after Christmas, I snatched it up.

Some good friends of ours got engaged over break and I thought it would be a great opportunity to try out my new camera, so I asked them if I could take their engagement pictures. They were happy to oblige and I had so much fun taking and editing the pictures! Rediscovering an an old hobby can be just lovely. Here are some of my favorites:







While I was digging around on my computer, I found an old journal entry from GEPN year. It reminded me of how much has happened in the last year and how much I've changed. I've posted it below.

I’ll call him Bill because concealing his name is the only small way I know to give him back some of what he lost today.

He went in for a routine colonoscopy. I was there as a student, sent simply to observe. I was becoming more comfortable in my scrubs. I still felt self-conscious, but I was learning to pretend I belonged, and that was half the battle after all.

I was still too shy to talk to him, even though we were introduced before the doctor arrived. The procedure started off fine. The doctor strolled in ten minutes late and removed his suit jacket while Bill nervously greeted him. The lights were turned down and the doctor injected pain medication into Bill’s IV, then inserted the scope his exposed rectum. I averted my eyes.

Two minutes in, it became clear that this was no ordinary procedure. There were polyps everywhere. Some covered in pus, some in blood, some still pink and new. The doctor set to work removing them, a slow and sometimes painful process. Ten minutes in, Bill began to make noises of protest. The doctor nodded at the nurse and she quickly administered another dose of Vicadin.

Twenty minutes after that, another dose had to be administered. Bill’s blood pressure dropped slightly but he remained stable. The doctor kept cutting. An hour later, Bill started coming out of his med daze a little and told us he was hurting.

I could see his hand against the rail of the bed, clenching as he moaned his pain. It looked like my Papa’s hand before he got sick. I wanted to cross the room and take it. I wanted to touch his fingers, give him my support, tell him that I had been there, that I knew what it was like. I wanted to tell him it would be okay, that it would all be over soon. Then I saw his face. This was not my Papa. I didn’t know this man, or this room. I shrank back further against the wall, felt the cool paint against my palms.

“Do you see anything?” Bill asked.

“Yeah. A shitload of polyps.” The physician was short and crisp in his answer, too focused on his project to pay much attention to this man.

“Do I have cancer?”

“I don’t know.” The doctor sounded irritated. He looked briefly at the nurse. “I can’t talk now.”

Bill’s eyes traveled up to the TV. A bloody growth filled the screen. “Is that a polyp?” he asked. I listened to the monitor as his heart rate rose to 120.

“Yes.” Short again.

The doctor worked furiously to rid the colon of these growths, to stop the bleeding he was causing, to minimize the damage. I know he didn’t mean to be short, that he was probably a good man, but I was angry at him for doing nothing to address this man’s fear.

My eyes traveled back to his hand, grasping air.

“Do I have cancer, Doc?” Bill sounded panicked.

Nobody answered him. The doctor and the nurse kept working furiously to stop the bleeding, to find the next polyp, to remove it as efficiently as possible.

“That makes over twenty,” the nurse said quietly. “I’ve never so this many this big.” She held up two of the specimen cups. “Look at them. They’re huge.”

The doctor ignored her, busy severing yet another bundle of tissue. “Dammit. Where did that piece go?”

I saw it floating through the fluid in Bill’s colon.

He was moaning again. “It hurts,” he said. “It hurts real bad.”

The nurse looked at his monitor. “100 over 60.”

“Better hold off,” the doctor said. He continued to push and cut and cauterize.

They did nothing for his pain. My heart wrenched as this grown, proud man groaned in agony. And I, too, did nothing.

Looking back, my heart still hurts. I wish I’d held his hand.

The first week of classes went pretty well. Monday, which is my long day, happens to be filled with classes I think I'll really enjoy which will make it easier to sit for such a long stretch. Tuesday wasn't so lucky, but I guess there will always be some classes I just have to get through in order to graduate. I was supposed to start clinical this week on two different sites. There were slight setbacks with both of them. One I will definitely be starting next week (and my preceptor sounded wonderful on the phone). The other I really hope will work out. Both of them are quite a drive out of New Haven and though I don't look forward to commuting over an hour each way, I am very much looking forward to learning primary care!

I told some friends at school about the baby, so the word is out now. It was fun talking about it with such nice girls and it's kind of a relief not to be carrying around a secret anymore. They were all so excited and supportive, just like the staff at YSN have been. Let's hope that's a trend that continues!

16 weeks

I hesitated about posting this because I haven't really been telling people at school (80 gossiping women? no thank you), but it's hard not talking about something that's been so central to my thoughts the last few months. I also feel like my long distance friends and family have been missing out since they're not here to experience it with me and I'm not always great about calling. Today I told my boss, who is the last person that needs to hear it from me. So I've taken the plunge and posted a picture of my abdomen on the internet.

Meet Baby Hove! My stomach stayed flat for so long I started to wonder if there was really a baby in there. The last few days, however, big changes (at least to me) starting happening, including the one you see above. Luckily, I have my bella band, so I haven't had to buy new pants yet. I've felt light movements, which has been thrilling. They are few and far between, which makes each little tap even more precious. Every once in a while, the baby will kick especially hard and you can feel it with your hand from the outside - just a tiny little touch.

Classes start tomorrow. I'm always a little excited about a fresh new semester even as I dread getting up early and having more responsibility. I spent the afternoon getting ready, printing syllabuses and putting together folders. I should feel ready but instead I just feel like I'm forgetting something. I have to be at school from 8am to 7:30pm and I have an unreasonable fear that I will forget to bring food and be unable to access any for almost 12 hours (this would never happen, but that's why I called it an unreasonable fear).

Wish me luck!

We got back from Arizona late Tuesday night and spent yesterday sleeping in, unpacking and stocking back up on groceries. We had a great time seeing family and friends although the visit was too short, like it always is. Somehow I managed not to take a single picture the whole time we were there so I can't share with you how adorable my niece and nephew have gotten lately. My sister-in-law, Laura, is scheduled to give birth tomorrow so we'll soon have yet another niece to fawn over.

The weather was rainy for a couple days when we first got there, which was unusual and kind of depressing. Luckily, the clouds cleared and it became sunny and gorgeous so Kevin and I could spend a couple of perfect afternoons outside in the sun playing cards.

Even though I managed to catch a cold while we were away, I've been feeling much better overall the last week or two. I'm still tired often, but I feel like a human being again and have been showering regularly and cooking my husband dinner in the evening. These may seem like small accomplishments, but Kevin and I are both excited to have me back. I've also been particularly enjoying food lately, almost any food. I never knew things could taste so good! A few days ago, I just couldn't stop gushing about how delicious my cottage cheese was. Kevin looked at me incredulously and said, "But you've been to Italy!" He couldn't believe that my cottage cheese tasted even better than the amazing food we experienced in Florence. But it really did!

We're leaving early tomorrow morning for Arizona. I'll tell you all about it next Thursday after we get back. For now I have to lay down and think about how quickly 4am will come.

Christmas in Missouri was wonderful. It went by more quickly than I expected, but it was so, so good to be home. I'm going to fly home in March so that I have more time to visit and play cards. This trip was so busy! There were four days and three Christmases, which made for a lot of big family events. It was great to see everyone, but I feel like I got to wave and smile and then I was gone.

Because the holidays wore me out, I've given myself a break and have done absolutely nothing for two whole days. It's been glorious. I plan to continue this pattern until we leave for Arizona at the end of the week, though I may have to make exceptions for laundry and cooking.

The picture above is our whole family - not often are we all gathered in one place. It's hard to believe there will be two new little faces in our picture next year!

Finals are done and I'm headed for Missouri...

I took this picture on Thursday, just as the snow was beginning to fall.  We had another big storm last night that left a chilly layer of snow and ice on everything.  They're just now clearing off the roads and I don't even want to think about how much work it will be to dig out our car tomorrow.  The weather has been a great excuse to stay warm and snuggled in on the couch, watching the sleet and snow from the windows.  I thought it would be a great excuse to get down to business with my textbooks but it just didn't work out that way.  Kevin's officially on vacation and has two weeks off!   We celebrated by making dinner together and watching While You Were Sleeping (which I still think is a Christmas movie even though he disagrees).  He also took me on a long walk to try to get some exercise before the storm hit.  He had me hustling so fast because he was cold that by the time we got back to the apartment I had already taken off most of my cold weather gear.  He still insists he couldn't feel any extremeties by the time we got back.  He is definitely an Arizona boy.

Nothing much to report here.  I have one more week of school - finals week.  I only have three finals, so it really shouldn't be too bad.  I am struggling with motivation to study because I feel like this semester has been about twelve years too long and I'm rapidly running out of energy.  What energy I have had, I've been devoting to productive but un-school related activities such as finishing up crafts for Christmas.  The idea for making Christmas gifts seemed like such a good one (and I still stand by it) but I didn't realize how much work it was going to be!  I'm almost there, though, just a couple of things to finish up.  

And that's about it.  That and counting down the days until we're in Missouri...     

Drinking hot tea, listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing "Baby, it's Cold Outside," and watching big flakes of snow fall prettily out my window.  It turned out to be a pretty good day.

It's officially winter here.  Not only is it shockingly cold, but this morning we had our first snow.  Yesterday to celebrate the official beginning of December, I put up our little Christmas tree and stockings.  In about an hour, I'm leaving to parktake in further winter festivities.  A local park is having a crafting celebration where you can make your own wreaths and dip your own candles.  A few of us from the nursing school are going and though it will be very cold, I think it's worth getting bundled up for.

Thanksgiving was wonderful this year. There were a lot of people, but everyone brought a delicious dish so there was more than enough food for everyone. Mary and Skyler hosted, and she baked a beautiful turkey - not bad for a gal that was a vegetarian for ten years prior to moving to Connecticut! After eating, there was lots of talking, playing board games, and feeling contented. The day after Thanksgiving, we reunited for leftovers and to showcase our various talents. I played a duet on the piano with two hands and a foot. From various other participants, there was banjo playing, reciting the first 100 digits of pi (!!!), dog tricks, joke telling, ballet dancing, reciting the alphabet backwards and of course stupid human tricks (MK can touch her shoulders together!!). It was an amazing evening fueled by good company and just the right amount of wine.

Yale/Harvard 2007

  


Well, I wish I could say it was as good as last year, but not only were we freezing, our guys were just embarassing.  At one point, Harvard threw a terrible pass and one of our guys caught it, tripped, and handed it to another Harvard player.  Like, "oh my gosh, you guys almost let us get the ball!  Here, take it, score another touchdown!"  

At the end of the third quarter, I couldn't feel my hands or my feet and I was exhausted, so I called it a day.  I hear things didn't get much better, so I'm glad I spent the rest of my afternoon tucked in on my couch.  At least the tailgating before hand was fun!

This afternoon I was overcome by an overwhelming longing to be home.  More specifically, to be eating breakfast at my Grandma Mary's green round table, my dad across from me reading the Sunday paper in his PJs.  I wanted to see my grandma's worn bible at her place and hear her familiar voice floating in from the kitchen.  I wanted it so badly, tears came to my eyes.

Then I remembered my parent's living room at Christmas time, all of us in our pajamas, though Dad always cheated and took a shower before donning his robe.  My mom would make something special for breakfast and we'd open presents while my Dad made balls out of wrapping paper and launched them at us.  We'd all try out our presents or maybe watch one of the new family DVDs and then Mom would get out the Christmas china and we'd have lunch, the five of us, in the fancy dining room.  

Then there was Thanksgiving at Grandmom and Granddad's house, my favorite holiday.  The food was always awesome, of course, but the best part of the whole day is playing cards all afternoon in the dining room.  In between games or if it's a while before your turn, you sneak off to get yet another tiny sliver of pumpkin pie.  The secret to a great Thanksgiving is to eat just a little lunch so you can have a piece of pie every hour until dinner.  Now that's a holiday!  The best present I ever received was June before we left for Connecticut, my family threw me my own little summer Thanksgiving, complete with my Grandmom's delicious pumpkin chiffon pie (mmmmmm....) and playing cards until the men were groaning that it was time to go home.  

I guess you could say I'm a little homesick.  I was always pretty sure I wouldn't live my grown-up life in Missouri but part of me assumed I'd somehow pack up my family and taken them with me.  I love getting frequent updates but it's a little bittersweet because it just doesn't seem fair that I can't be here and there at the same time.  I see pictures of everyone laughing and eating cake and I think, "shouldn't I be there?"  I'm tired of missing birthdays and holidays and family dinners!  Well, this year I put my foot down.  We've done a Christmas with Kevin's family in Arizona.  We've done a Christmas apart when I was on a cruise with my family.  We've done a Christmas just the two of us in New Haven.  And now it is time for a Christmas in Missouri!  Vacation has been confirmed, plane tickets have been purchased, now it's just a waiting game.

So, is it Christmas yet?

Kevin's parent's made it out this past weekend and we had a nice visit.  They stayed with us, which was a little crowded in our tiny apartment, but we made out ok.  They had never been here before and they were excited to see Yale and New Haven.  Unfortunately, it got pretty cold while they were here, so we didn't spend much time walking outside.  We did have one nice day though, and went down to the beach in Milford and walked on the shore for a while.   Sunday we went down to Mystic and had a nice time exploring the "village" of little shops.   Overall it was a nice long weekend and they were already talking about coming back in the summer so they can explore the east coast a little more.

A couple of weeks ago, I started working the perfect job.  I have known for a while that it probably was a good idea for me to make a little extra money this year.  Several of my classmates got jobs at the hospital working as student nurses.  While the hours are flexible and the pay is alright, the thought of working 12 hour shifts taking vital signs and cleaning up body fluids was less than appealing.  A few weeks ago, an ad floated around the nursing school email about a new mother looking for a little baby break a few days a week so she could get some writing done.  I impulsively emailed her and I'm so glad I did.  

I started last week as a nanny for this precious 4 month old little boy.  They live on the ocean in a nearby town, so I'm able to get out of New Haven and rock this little chubkins while looking at the water.  It's a welcome break from nursing and I very much prefer it to a job working at the hospital.  I am still dealing with body fluids, but they're pint sized portions and at least I get a break from vital signs!

Would you like to hear something gross?  My apartment.  What, that doesn't sound gross?  That's because you can't see it.  Let me assure you, it's not a pretty sight.  Why do things get dirty again just as soon as I clean them?  I mean I cleaned the bathroom like....  two months ago.  Oh.  That might be part of the problem.   Time moves so quickly when I'm not cleaning and ever so slowly when I am...

What'd you say?  My in-laws will be on my doorstep in one week?  From today?  Oh, that's ok, I plan on cloning myself at least five times before then.