It has been a little hard to concentrate on school now that I have a sweet little face to look at. I've had to allow myself little breaks every couple of hours to look at the pictures of my boy. He's been getting stronger every day, as evidenced by the vigorous kicks he loves to give me early in the morning. Kevin wants him to be an athlete and there' s no worries there because he's already using my bladder as a soccer ball.

We had a huge snowstorm yesterday and ended up with several inches of snow. Kevin has to work today, unfortunately, but I plan on staying right here at home until Monday. I've got loads of work to get ahead on and some very nice girls coming over later to visit and watch an old movie. No need for me to go out in this weather! It's beautiful outside with everything covered in white, but I can enjoy that sight very well from my window with a hot cup of tea.

Meet Jonah!!

He got the Blair nose!!!

It's a boy!!!

Profile shot

20 weeks

A reminder of what I looked like a month ago. See how much closer Darla was to my belly button?

I have fallen yet farther behind in clinical hours. The contracts were finally signed so I could return and within three hours of getting there, I had to leave again. I had this awful pain in my right side that kept getting worse and when I called my doctor from New Britain, he said to come in right away. I was just sure I had appendicitis and I was so scared. They checked me and the baby out pretty thoroughly and decided it was ligament pain. I'd heard ligament pain was annoying, but I didn't know it could hurt like that. After they told me what it was, I felt silly for panicking about something so common. I talked to my mother-in-law after I got home and she said my sister-in-law went to the ER when she first got ligament pain, so that made me feel a little better. At least I'm not the only one!

Even though we knew everything was fine after seeing the doctor, I was still a little shaken up. Kevin took me out for a very nice lunch to help me feel better. I wasn't sure it would work, but three courses of Italian food later, I was feeling pretty good! Our waitress even noticed I was pregnant and said something to me. She's the first person that's ever noticed enough to say something. I thought my belly seemed a lot bigger this morning, even compared to yesterday. I guess that would explain the ligament pain! We have our big ultrasound on Tuesday and we should find out if we're having a Natalie or a Jonah - I'll definitely update then.

I spent the day today seeing patients on my own. It was a little bit scary, having to trust my own judgment, but I had a nice safety net with my preceptor there ready to check orders and re-examine patients if I asked. It helped boost my self-confidence and gave me some reassurance that I'm in the right field. With some practice and experience, I think I could be really good at this, and that's a wonderful feeling.

I've been having anxiety dreams about babies lately. One night, I dreamt I had triplets except instead of just three, there were babies everywhere. Another night, I had just one baby and was doing pretty good until I took off the diaper and there was projectile poop that covered every surface in the room in an instant.

In other baby news, my hormones are getting a little out of hand. I teared up at the voting booth today just because I was so happy to see my candidate's name on the list.

I am not so crazy about this "in between" stage, where I look like I might be pregnant, or maybe I just ate too many Oreos over the holidays. Although I don't think Oreos would be this uncomfortable or this hard to bend around. At any rate, the baby is growing well. We got to see on ultrasound last week and we have a really cute kid! We also have a really modest kid, who kept the little legs crossed and the gender a mystery.

School continues to go well. I was able to waive out of one of my classes, which lightened up my coursework a little bit - always a nice feeling. I still really enjoy clinical, too and am starting to gain independence there and see patients on my own. The first time I went in alone, I surprised myself by not being nervous at all. I felt comfortable and I did the physical exam competently. It seems I chose the right profession! I still have so much to learn, but my assessment skills are really coming along and I choose to feel good about that instead of panicking about the vast amounts of diagnoses and drugs I've still never heard of. As of now, I have two wonderful preceptors who are really good at what they do. I'm doing my best to take full advantage of all of their knowledge during the 16 hours a week I spend with them.

Clinicals this week were amazing. I probably learned more in two days than I did all of last semester. Both of my preceptors are great practitioners who are great teachers. The two clinical sites are really different, which is also great because I get a good look at how much nurse practitioners can do and the range of opportunities that come with my degree. I soaked up both days of clinical, but they were long days which left me a little exhausted. I've been trying to catch up on paperwork/reading for school, but I think it may be naptime. It's officially going to be a very busy (but probably pretty good) semester!

I spent all my babysitting money on a brand new camera. I bought a Nikon D40x and she's a real beauty. Before grad school, I really enjoyed photography. With moving and school and the progression of digital cameras, I kind of let my film Canon Rebel gather dust. Kevin and I have been talking about investing in a nice digital camera so we can take nice pictures of the baby both for ourselves and for family. I've had my eye on the Nikon for a while, so when I saw it on sale after Christmas, I snatched it up.

Some good friends of ours got engaged over break and I thought it would be a great opportunity to try out my new camera, so I asked them if I could take their engagement pictures. They were happy to oblige and I had so much fun taking and editing the pictures! Rediscovering an an old hobby can be just lovely. Here are some of my favorites:







While I was digging around on my computer, I found an old journal entry from GEPN year. It reminded me of how much has happened in the last year and how much I've changed. I've posted it below.

I’ll call him Bill because concealing his name is the only small way I know to give him back some of what he lost today.

He went in for a routine colonoscopy. I was there as a student, sent simply to observe. I was becoming more comfortable in my scrubs. I still felt self-conscious, but I was learning to pretend I belonged, and that was half the battle after all.

I was still too shy to talk to him, even though we were introduced before the doctor arrived. The procedure started off fine. The doctor strolled in ten minutes late and removed his suit jacket while Bill nervously greeted him. The lights were turned down and the doctor injected pain medication into Bill’s IV, then inserted the scope his exposed rectum. I averted my eyes.

Two minutes in, it became clear that this was no ordinary procedure. There were polyps everywhere. Some covered in pus, some in blood, some still pink and new. The doctor set to work removing them, a slow and sometimes painful process. Ten minutes in, Bill began to make noises of protest. The doctor nodded at the nurse and she quickly administered another dose of Vicadin.

Twenty minutes after that, another dose had to be administered. Bill’s blood pressure dropped slightly but he remained stable. The doctor kept cutting. An hour later, Bill started coming out of his med daze a little and told us he was hurting.

I could see his hand against the rail of the bed, clenching as he moaned his pain. It looked like my Papa’s hand before he got sick. I wanted to cross the room and take it. I wanted to touch his fingers, give him my support, tell him that I had been there, that I knew what it was like. I wanted to tell him it would be okay, that it would all be over soon. Then I saw his face. This was not my Papa. I didn’t know this man, or this room. I shrank back further against the wall, felt the cool paint against my palms.

“Do you see anything?” Bill asked.

“Yeah. A shitload of polyps.” The physician was short and crisp in his answer, too focused on his project to pay much attention to this man.

“Do I have cancer?”

“I don’t know.” The doctor sounded irritated. He looked briefly at the nurse. “I can’t talk now.”

Bill’s eyes traveled up to the TV. A bloody growth filled the screen. “Is that a polyp?” he asked. I listened to the monitor as his heart rate rose to 120.

“Yes.” Short again.

The doctor worked furiously to rid the colon of these growths, to stop the bleeding he was causing, to minimize the damage. I know he didn’t mean to be short, that he was probably a good man, but I was angry at him for doing nothing to address this man’s fear.

My eyes traveled back to his hand, grasping air.

“Do I have cancer, Doc?” Bill sounded panicked.

Nobody answered him. The doctor and the nurse kept working furiously to stop the bleeding, to find the next polyp, to remove it as efficiently as possible.

“That makes over twenty,” the nurse said quietly. “I’ve never so this many this big.” She held up two of the specimen cups. “Look at them. They’re huge.”

The doctor ignored her, busy severing yet another bundle of tissue. “Dammit. Where did that piece go?”

I saw it floating through the fluid in Bill’s colon.

He was moaning again. “It hurts,” he said. “It hurts real bad.”

The nurse looked at his monitor. “100 over 60.”

“Better hold off,” the doctor said. He continued to push and cut and cauterize.

They did nothing for his pain. My heart wrenched as this grown, proud man groaned in agony. And I, too, did nothing.

Looking back, my heart still hurts. I wish I’d held his hand.

The first week of classes went pretty well. Monday, which is my long day, happens to be filled with classes I think I'll really enjoy which will make it easier to sit for such a long stretch. Tuesday wasn't so lucky, but I guess there will always be some classes I just have to get through in order to graduate. I was supposed to start clinical this week on two different sites. There were slight setbacks with both of them. One I will definitely be starting next week (and my preceptor sounded wonderful on the phone). The other I really hope will work out. Both of them are quite a drive out of New Haven and though I don't look forward to commuting over an hour each way, I am very much looking forward to learning primary care!

I told some friends at school about the baby, so the word is out now. It was fun talking about it with such nice girls and it's kind of a relief not to be carrying around a secret anymore. They were all so excited and supportive, just like the staff at YSN have been. Let's hope that's a trend that continues!

16 weeks

I hesitated about posting this because I haven't really been telling people at school (80 gossiping women? no thank you), but it's hard not talking about something that's been so central to my thoughts the last few months. I also feel like my long distance friends and family have been missing out since they're not here to experience it with me and I'm not always great about calling. Today I told my boss, who is the last person that needs to hear it from me. So I've taken the plunge and posted a picture of my abdomen on the internet.

Meet Baby Hove! My stomach stayed flat for so long I started to wonder if there was really a baby in there. The last few days, however, big changes (at least to me) starting happening, including the one you see above. Luckily, I have my bella band, so I haven't had to buy new pants yet. I've felt light movements, which has been thrilling. They are few and far between, which makes each little tap even more precious. Every once in a while, the baby will kick especially hard and you can feel it with your hand from the outside - just a tiny little touch.

Classes start tomorrow. I'm always a little excited about a fresh new semester even as I dread getting up early and having more responsibility. I spent the afternoon getting ready, printing syllabuses and putting together folders. I should feel ready but instead I just feel like I'm forgetting something. I have to be at school from 8am to 7:30pm and I have an unreasonable fear that I will forget to bring food and be unable to access any for almost 12 hours (this would never happen, but that's why I called it an unreasonable fear).

Wish me luck!

We got back from Arizona late Tuesday night and spent yesterday sleeping in, unpacking and stocking back up on groceries. We had a great time seeing family and friends although the visit was too short, like it always is. Somehow I managed not to take a single picture the whole time we were there so I can't share with you how adorable my niece and nephew have gotten lately. My sister-in-law, Laura, is scheduled to give birth tomorrow so we'll soon have yet another niece to fawn over.

The weather was rainy for a couple days when we first got there, which was unusual and kind of depressing. Luckily, the clouds cleared and it became sunny and gorgeous so Kevin and I could spend a couple of perfect afternoons outside in the sun playing cards.

Even though I managed to catch a cold while we were away, I've been feeling much better overall the last week or two. I'm still tired often, but I feel like a human being again and have been showering regularly and cooking my husband dinner in the evening. These may seem like small accomplishments, but Kevin and I are both excited to have me back. I've also been particularly enjoying food lately, almost any food. I never knew things could taste so good! A few days ago, I just couldn't stop gushing about how delicious my cottage cheese was. Kevin looked at me incredulously and said, "But you've been to Italy!" He couldn't believe that my cottage cheese tasted even better than the amazing food we experienced in Florence. But it really did!

We're leaving early tomorrow morning for Arizona. I'll tell you all about it next Thursday after we get back. For now I have to lay down and think about how quickly 4am will come.

Christmas in Missouri was wonderful. It went by more quickly than I expected, but it was so, so good to be home. I'm going to fly home in March so that I have more time to visit and play cards. This trip was so busy! There were four days and three Christmases, which made for a lot of big family events. It was great to see everyone, but I feel like I got to wave and smile and then I was gone.

Because the holidays wore me out, I've given myself a break and have done absolutely nothing for two whole days. It's been glorious. I plan to continue this pattern until we leave for Arizona at the end of the week, though I may have to make exceptions for laundry and cooking.

The picture above is our whole family - not often are we all gathered in one place. It's hard to believe there will be two new little faces in our picture next year!

Finals are done and I'm headed for Missouri...

I took this picture on Thursday, just as the snow was beginning to fall.  We had another big storm last night that left a chilly layer of snow and ice on everything.  They're just now clearing off the roads and I don't even want to think about how much work it will be to dig out our car tomorrow.  The weather has been a great excuse to stay warm and snuggled in on the couch, watching the sleet and snow from the windows.  I thought it would be a great excuse to get down to business with my textbooks but it just didn't work out that way.  Kevin's officially on vacation and has two weeks off!   We celebrated by making dinner together and watching While You Were Sleeping (which I still think is a Christmas movie even though he disagrees).  He also took me on a long walk to try to get some exercise before the storm hit.  He had me hustling so fast because he was cold that by the time we got back to the apartment I had already taken off most of my cold weather gear.  He still insists he couldn't feel any extremeties by the time we got back.  He is definitely an Arizona boy.

Nothing much to report here.  I have one more week of school - finals week.  I only have three finals, so it really shouldn't be too bad.  I am struggling with motivation to study because I feel like this semester has been about twelve years too long and I'm rapidly running out of energy.  What energy I have had, I've been devoting to productive but un-school related activities such as finishing up crafts for Christmas.  The idea for making Christmas gifts seemed like such a good one (and I still stand by it) but I didn't realize how much work it was going to be!  I'm almost there, though, just a couple of things to finish up.  

And that's about it.  That and counting down the days until we're in Missouri...     

Drinking hot tea, listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing "Baby, it's Cold Outside," and watching big flakes of snow fall prettily out my window.  It turned out to be a pretty good day.

It's officially winter here.  Not only is it shockingly cold, but this morning we had our first snow.  Yesterday to celebrate the official beginning of December, I put up our little Christmas tree and stockings.  In about an hour, I'm leaving to parktake in further winter festivities.  A local park is having a crafting celebration where you can make your own wreaths and dip your own candles.  A few of us from the nursing school are going and though it will be very cold, I think it's worth getting bundled up for.