Morals

Within 24 hours I had two conversations.

The first went like this:
"Can I tell you one of my poems?"
"No, that's ok."
"Hey, look, I'm no beggar, I just want to tell you a poem and then maybe you'll buy me some food."
We were right outside Starbucks, so I gestured towards it. "Look, I'll buy you something there, ok?"
She scoffed at me. "They don't sell food in there. They sell pastries in there."
"Pastries are food."
"No, they're not. I want Chinese food. If you can buy me a muffin, you can buy me Chinese."
And so I got into a discussion with a homeless women about what I would and wouldn't do for her. Afterwards I felt guilty and angry. Guilty because I didn't help her at all and I could have. Angry because I felt guilty. I still don't know what would have been the right thing to do. I wish I'd been kinder. If I could go back, I'd wipe the "you're crazy, lady" look off my face.

The second conversation went like this:
"Look, I'm really not feeling well. I get hot and cold and hot and cold. I'm drenched. I can't stop sweating. Could you get me another blanket?"
"Sure, no problem."
"I just feel so sick all the time. They won't let me eat anymore. I'm tired of being in pain all the time. I'm going to quit my radiation. I'm just too tired to do this anymore."
I put my hand on her arm. "I don't know very much about your kind of cancer. Have you talked to your doctor? You should talk to him before you make this kind of decision."
She was shaking, but she was determined. "I don't need to talk to him. I've decided. I'm quitting."
"How about your family? Have you talked to them about this?"
"I don't have family. I don't have no one to help me. You gotta help me decide what to do. No one else will listen to me."
And so I got into a discussion with a sick woman about whether or not she should keep fighting. Afterwords, I felt lost and sad. I didn't know if she was looking for me to encourage her to keep up the fight or if she needed to hear someone say it was okay to give up. I said neither. I still don't know what would have been the right thing to say. I wish I'd stayed with her longer. If I could go back, I'd forget about charting for a while and hold her hand.

Holidays

This is some of us after Thanksgiving. Kevin said I did my mother shame because I didn't take a single picture all day - can you believe it?! I fully intended to, but time just flew by and the next thing I knew, everyone was putting their coats on, so I had to say, "Wait! If I don't take a picture this day never happened and I want to remember today!" Kevin is holding my very first pumpkin chiffon pie, which was not as good as Grandmom's, but was still pretty tasty.

I was very excited today to put up our very first Christmas tree. I know it's small, but isn't it pretty? Crooked, yes, but also pretty.

It's One of Those Days

There comes a point in everyone's life when you come to a crossroads, where you have the choice of jumping out of the moving truck you just hijacked and running for the hills or pushing down on the brake as hard as you can and praying it stops rolling through the parking lot. Or am I alone at that particular fork in the road?

Let me start at the beginning. I had a rough morning. Kevin missed the shuttle to work, so I had to wake up at 6:45 on my day off to drive him to the hospital. Since I was up early, I decided to dye my hair by myself, since it was too early to call anyone to come over. How hard could it be, anyway? Well, it was hard enough that I squirted the chemical dye directly in my right eye. I don't recommend doing this. It hurts really bad and since I couldn't see so I couldn't read the box about what to do if this happens. I started rinsing it out with cold water in a panic, and as soon as I could semi-see I read the box just well enough to see the words "could cause blindness," which were not very reassuring.

I'll make this short. My eye and I have recovered. It took a lot of rinsing and a lot of me sitting with my hand cupped over it so that no light got in. But I was all better by lunchtime. By that time, I was running late on all the errands I had to accomplish today. There were many of them. So I got dressed and went outside to find a huge moving truck that was occupying almost the whole parking lot and blocking my car in by a mere six inches or so. I waited for a few minutes, but no movers came. I became frustrated. I had errands to run! I was tired of waiting! I had narrowly escaped blindness! I was tired of CT people being so rude all the time! I saw a clipboard with pink papers on the dash and I thought "that probably has the company number! I will call and complain!" So I climbed up on the step to the driver's door (this was a big truck, I'm telling you!). I discovered that not only were the keys still in the ignition, but the door was unlocked. I hopped down from the stair. I couldn't just back up the truck! That would be wrong! I decided to sit and wait for the movers to come so they could move the stupid truck for me.

Well, I waited and waited and there were no movers. I was getting tired of this business. So I made a snap decision and impulsively climbed back up into the truck and got into the drivers seat. I started the rusty old engine and hoped it wouldn't fall apart while I drove it back a foot or two. I got it into reverse just fine, backed up a bit and turned it off. No problem! Good for me! I was climbing down when I realized the truck was rolling forward.

Frantically, I dashed back inside and slammed my foot on the brake just in time to keep it from hitting some cars. I started up the engine and reversed it again. I realized that the parking brake light was flashing. I did not know what that meant. It took all the strength of my leg to keep that brake down while I searched for the parking brake. I was banging around under the dash and a panel came off. I tried to push it back on but it was a no go. I shoved it under the driver's seat. This truck was falling apart with me inside! I finally found the parking brake, or more techincally, I found the part of the truck where the parking brake used to be.

This is where the crossroads come into play. I could run for it, let the truck do it's damage and be far, far away when it did. Or I could stay with it and pray to God that someone that knew something about trucks would arrive before my leg gave out even if it meant there was a definite possibility I was going to be held responsible for trying to drive someone else's moving truck. I stayed. It was the adult in me.

I had my cell phone in my pocket, so with my leg shaking from holding down the brake, I finally called the number on the pink sheet. My phone call went something like this: "Hello! I'm at (address) in your truck! The brake is broken! Can you contact the drivers?! IT WON'T STOP ROLLING!!! I NEED SOME HELP!!! THE TRUCK IS ROLLING AND IT'S REALLY BIG!!!" The woman on the other line quickly became just as panicked as I was! So much so that she tried to call the driver without switching the lines. I was trying to explain that it was still me on the line at that the turck! was! still! rolling! when I saw two men in moving t-shirts come around the corner. I have never been so relieved in my life. "They're here!"I cried into the phone and hung up. I leaned my head out the door. "I need your help!" I shouted. "The truck is rolling and I can't get it to stop!"

"Did you move the rock?" one of the men asked me.

"There's a rock?" I asked.

The moving man started laughing. "Course there's a rock! What else would keep the truck from moving! Climb down from there. Come on." He helped me down, laughing the whole time. "Where you from?" he asked. I told him Missouri. "Course you are," he said. "You won't find a Connecticut girl drivin' no truck!" He patted me on the back. "We've been telling them to get that parking brake fixed for weeks, but they just won't do it." He chuckled to himself. "Moved that big truck, you did. Well, I tell you what. Every time I deliver to here, I'm gonna think of you."

I smiled. I couldn't believe he wasn't angry with me. I apologized anyway. He just laughed it off. "Can you get your car out now?" he asked. I nodded. I apologized again, but he just laughed, so I got in my car and went about my errands.

It turned out that I made the right turn at my crossroads. I'll tell you one thing, though - I'll never climb into a strange moving truck again.

The Game

Showing our support - GO YALE!

A sea of Elies

Rushing the field (after they cleared out the streaker).

In short, it was an awesome game. For the first time in my life, I actually cared about football and was groaning and screaming with the rest of those crazy Yalies. There was much more cheering than anything else, seeing as how we dominated Harvard 34-13!

We were lucky enough to meet up with Kristin, who is from Boston and was nice enough to show us around and take us to Legal Seafood, which is said to have the best seafood in Boston. I can believe it - the food was amazing! The girls I went with were amazing too. All in all, it was a great day. GO YALE!!!

How I know I'm becoming a nurse:

1. I went out to lunch today with two other nursing students. One girl graphically described her patient's wound and I listened attentively while still enjoying my cake and tea.
2. I choked a little bit during dinner and after coughing for a while, my first words were "I think I aspirated on my soup!"

I thought you all might want to see how beautiful my niece has turned out to be. Isn't she precious? One more month until I get to tell her so in person!

They told us in the beginning that this would be difficult. I was prepared to study and read and research and study some more. In the midst of the semester, I’ve found that I don’t study very much, I don’t read at all, and I’ve hardly ever researched. This does not mean that the program is not difficult. Instead of the academic challenges I prepared myself for, I find myself wading through a river of emotional and social problems that I never saw coming.

I watched someone die. I was in the room when she stopped breathing, when her heart stopped, when her daughter sobbed and begged her to come back. I was not prepared.

I watched people criticize each other, the professors, themselves. I have been in the room as they tore apart lecturers, as they tore down a women dying of AIDS, as they met with the dean and tore apart the faculty she employed. I have heard cruel gossip, I have seen students undermine each other to get ahead, I have spoken words I wish I could take back. I was not prepared.

I felt stress like an anchor on my shoulders. I have lain down in bed and cried until I was too tired to cry anymore. I was not prepared.

They told us that this would be difficult. They tried to prepare us for the challenges that we were going to face. The truth is, you can’t be ready for the hits you take becoming a nurse. You face each day with what strength you can gather and you hope that maybe you can help someone, despite your vast inadequacy. You experience the best and worst of human nature in your fellow students. You are forced to take a long look at who you are and who you want to be.

I know that I will survive this program. I will learn the necessary skills I need to become a good nurse. I will learn how to work with all types of personalities. I hope that I become a better person because of all these things. I hope I come out stronger on the other side. I hope I come out prepared.
 

Sometimes, when school is really stressful, the best thing a husband can do is call a friend to come over, grab a pizza and a bottle of wine and drag you away from your books to take an evening off. I didn't realize how well this worked until last night when I couldn't stop giggling and realized that for the first time in weeks, I wasn't worried about school.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm in the middle of a hard core series of tests, which has occupied every free moment of my time. Thursday was my pharmacy test, which was harder than I expected. Thursday afternoon we had a little fall party at B's. We ate pigs in a blanket and drank fresh hot apple cider. It was a good way to unwind after that test. Thursday night, I went over L's apartment for a Grey's Amatomy party. It was the first Thursday night I didn't have clinicals and it was really great to watch that show with a bunch of nurses. I never realized how unrealistic that show is in regard to our profession. Nurses do EVERYTHING! Those doctors would never be prepping patients for surgery or administering meds or doing any of the things they do on the show! We were all very outraged, both at the writers and at Dr. McDreamy and Meredith. Just GET TOGETHER ALREADY. That plot line is dragging on a little long for me, personally.

Friday morning was the flu clinic. I learned how to do it while I was getting my shot and then I gave two shots. See one, do one, teach one! Both the girls I gave it to said they barely felt it, so maybe I'll do okay with this whole giving shots thing. Friday night, Kevin and I went to the symphony on campus. It was beautiful. It was an almost perfect evening until we came home and I started to feel the effects of my flu vaccine. I had aches and pains all night and then this morning I could barely move and had a low grade fever. A couple girls were coming over to hike, so I shot down a couple of aspirin and luckily was feeling much better by the time they arrived! It was a gorgeous day for hiking. Are you sick yet of hearing how beautiful the east coast is in the fall? I feel very redundant, but I can't help being in awe every time I hike out here. It just takes my breath away.

Now I'm home and fed and rested and I have to study for my biomed test. Emily showed me a really awesome site that lets you make study cards online (it's faster and it doesn't waste all that paper). It's the best way to study I've ever heard of. It really helped me out with pharm (well, I guess how much it helped me out is yet to be determined - cross your fingers for me that I passed!).