Off to Iowa

I leave for Iowa this afternoon, despite a long to-do list. Sometimes other things are more important, like figureing out whether I want to get married in May or do a 14 month volunteer program in Africa. There's this program where you are trained for six months in California, then are sent to Africa to help educate mothers about AIDS for six months, then sent back to the US to teach other people about AIDS in Africa for two months. I think it sounds awesome, and well suited for me as a single girl. I also found out that if I do get married, my chances of working with Doctors without Borders are about zero, since you are not allowed to take an assignment as a couple, are required to go at least six months at a time, and cannot have visitors during your 6-12 month assignment. That isn't very condusive to having a family. Sometimes I'm not sure I'm ready to give this dream up, especially for someone who "isn't sure" about marraige. I haven't been writing much about the trouble Kevin and I have been having. I haven't felt like talking about it very much. But I will say this: last night, I finally got tired of stepping around his stress-laden ego and told him that if he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me then he was an idiot and I don't date morons, so he had better make up his mind before he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. And for the first time in three weeks, I felt good about myself.

There's nothing due this week. I have done nothing all day. Well, I've done a lot of sewing, and watched a lot of TV, but nothing else. No school. No school at all. I know it's below twenty degrees outside and although I hate winter with more venom than I knew I had, this may be the best day ever.

I ran around all day getting a note for my religions professor. Susie, the nurse practitioner, wouldn't write me one becuase she hadn't seen me in three weeks and it was like working with an alien trying to get the nurse at Dr. Bailey's office to write me one. I told her I had to miss class sometimes because it hurt to sit up for that long and I needed a note assuring my professor that I had an actual injury and wasn't faking. She wanted to know what date I needed to be excused. I was told her there wasn't a specific date, I just needed a note saying I was injured. She asked me what date I needed to be excused. I told her there WAS NO DATE, I just needed something saying I was hurt. She asked me again what date I needed to be excused and finally I just MADE UP A DATE so she would write me a note already. Hopefully I can explain all this to my professor. The note does contain the words "back injury," so I'm hoping that'll be good enough for me to get my participation points back. If not, I'll take my B or C or D or F or WHATEVER I don't care I just want to get out of this crazy town where people are incapable of communication.

Also, it's very very very cold and I miss my boyfriend.

It's gray and dreary, like November is supposed to be. I just finished taking my Take Home Test for Anatomy and Physiology. I have never been so excited about finishing a test. I enjoy A&P - I've even taken it before (in high school). But the rigor and meticulous detail this instructor demands is beyond my abilities, especially when I'm carrying a full load at Truman. To make things even better, my back decided to return from it's brief hiatus and torture me with renewed vigor. Now the things that worked before (lying flat on my back, certain stretches) seem to make it worse. I will be making a visit to Crown Family Medicine on Monday, not only because I need an appointment with a specialist who isn't a deadpan nutbar, but also because one of my professors is being a real jerk and has demanded I have a specific note from the doctor explaining why it hurts to sit in his class after four and a half hours of sitting in other classes before his.

The good news is that I have one paper done, besides a little tweaking. The other good news is that in one month, I will be done with this semester. My last semester at Truman will be filled with two freshman level courses (one required for graduation and one becuase I've always wanted to take creative writing), one psych research course, and one psych seminar course about romance. Doesn't that sound nice? I'm actually looking forward to learning next semester.

I have an 8-10 page paper I need to write today about evolutionary psychology and Darwin's Origin of Species, but what am I doing? Writing in my blog and looking at other things on the internet that have nothing to do with evolution. How did people live before there was this infinite network of information and entertainment!? How did papers get written? How did people buy things in small towns?! How did people communicate!? I can't imagine the things that will be available for my kids when I decide to have some.

Speaking of which, for all those that know about Kevin and me, we're fine now. Not exactly engaged per se, but fine. The thing is, I know that we are good together and that we make each other happy. Anybody that you love with your whole self has a huge, dangerous power to crush you with one word. For someone that makes me laugh, is my best friend in the world, and shares my dreams, there is a second chance. There is no third chance, but there is one second chance. Being apart all the time is hard. When both of us are experiencing a difficult semester that makes us cranky and tired and emotional, it makes it three times as hard. There are no excuses, but there is an understanding that extreme circumstance played a large role in recent events. In that light, we are working on looking at each other in a different way. I never thought about the possibiltiy that we may not get married, that we may not be together forever. And during my hours and hours and hours of deep thought and meditation this week, I have realized a few things. The first is that I am young and I have endless options. I know that Kevin and I could break up and I would be fine. I know that I would find someone else and probably get married and have kids. The thing is, I don't want anybody else. I want Kevin, who takes care of me better than he takes care of himself, who does my dishes while I'm sleeping in, who brings me flowers for no reason and who sings off key to make me laugh. He dances with me in my kitchen when I'm sad and holds my hand when my back hurts and I don't want to talk. He plays board games with me for hours, he is not capable of lying, and I have never met someone more capable of compromise. He is my best friend, and I could not ask for more.

I keep going to my site to update it, but I really have nothing to say. Maybe I should do something more exciting with my time.